Depression is something i've battled with since my mid teens, and when I say battled, I do mean battled. No matter how often I slay the beast, it comes back.. sometimes larger than before.
It's an awful thing, to be scared of your own thought process, there will of course be those who know this side of me, some however will find these truths shocking. I've been dragged to the edge and back again, had moments I regret and moments that help define me as a person, but every single day I wake up and try to adjust my focus to get on with my day as best I can.
I forever play the clown, the good friend, the recounter of many stories, the sentimental guy, the music guy and although they are all parts of me, they sometimes mask how I'm really feeling.
I've forever had an outsider complex, never truely feeling like I'd found my place in the world, constantly on the outside looking in.
I get scared, I worry, my thoughts often grow dark, but I am fortunate where some others aren't.. I have people that do care, that do try to help me. I'll be forever in their debt because they'll never understand how much it means to me, and I'd never do it justice to try to say so.
I hope they each know who they are, the roles they play and what they each mean to me. Sincerely and utterly.
I've visited some rather terrifying scenerios in my mind, I am ashamed of feeling how I do sometimes.
It's like being haunted, by a ghost that only you can see. The ghost shows up uninvited and haunts you for prolonged periods of time and no one else can see how it affects you, but more so understand how being 'haunted' feels.
The ghost has become a fixture in my life, breezing in and out as/when the bastard wants to, I've become almost accustomed to it, which in itself is sad. The realisation no one can help me.
I find myself, constantly doubting what I am doing or wondering if I've taken the wrong path. I worry about my future, sometimes I barely see a future, sometimes it seems easier.. but I remember its not an option I can explore regardless of how I may want to.
I find my therapy in music, writing, reading or spending time with the aforementioned amazing people. Taking it each day and trying to find little victories to cling to.
Someone once told me, its okay to be broken, cracks let the light through..
It's very true and is something I try to remember.
As I write today, I'm having a particularly down day, but am using it to do something constructive.
The reason I wanted to write this blog was to try to explain a little about me, to open up a side of me to people who may not know, and to show people that no matter how upbeat and carefree we may seem, behind the forced smile can be much pain.
Remember to value people, make the effort and speak to your friends and family and remember that a phone call, a quiet drink, a hug or simple gesture can mean the world to someone who cannot tell you they need it.
I know life gets in the way, but remember not everyone copes the same way..
Hopefully giving you some insight into my insides will strike a chord, or perhaps resonate with your own struggles.
Anyone who wishes to know more, or wants to talk to me about my stuff, or their own, you know where to find me. I welcome it.